top 10 reasons you shouldn’t be afraid of al-Qaeda

September 9th, 2011

(read the book free online - help launch the Kickstarter - read the Reddit AMA)

10. After the bungled Glasgow International Airport attack, one of the terrorists was apprehended by a Scottish cabby who kicked a burning terrorist in the balls so hard he tore a tendon in his foot.

9. The Times Square Bomber, Faisal Shazhad, locked the keys to both his get-away car and his house inside the car-bomb he rigged.  The car bomb consisted of a bunch of fireworks stuck in a bucket, and a bunch of fertilizer.  Inert, non-explosive fertilizer that only served to muffle the blast.

8. While terrorist “mastermind” Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was hiding out in the Philippines, he kept a low profile by renting a freaking helicopter and making fly-overs of the building where the “cultural dancers” he wanted to date worked. They were impressed enough to allow him to take them on a date. He chose the local Wendy’s.

7. Terrorists in the cell caught by an FBI-NYPD sting in the Bronx were called “intellectually challenged” by their lawyer, said they were high when they were arrested, and claimed that the FBI entrapped them with fried chicken.

6. On 9/11, the terrorists who flew out of Logan – after having spent years preparing, months training, and tens of thousands of dollars on the attack – made it onto their flight with just six-minutes to spare.

5. Part of this close-call may have been due to being up late the night before.  Hotel records show the night before they carried out what they saw as a sanctified assault against the forces of Evil – they rented a porno together.

4. The aforementioned Glasgow International Airport attack was originally thwarted by another unusual hero.  The height of the airport’s doorway – the terrorists never bothered to check if it would allow clearance for the jeep they were driving, so they got stuck. Their bomb detonated anyways, lighting one of them on fire – the attack’s only serious injury (unless you count the cabby as well).

3. The terrorist in charge of the 1993 van-bombing of the World Trade Center waited until the night before the scheduled attack to find a Ryder van they could use, and someone willing to drive it beneath the Towers.  They were ultimately all tracked down after one of them returned to the rental agency to noisily insist that he should get their deposit back – three separate times.  The FBI was waiting for him the third time.

2. This 1993 World Trade Center cell was finally caught in Manila, where a policewoman – a grandmother wearing a flowered muumuu, hoop earrings, and rubber slippers – ran Abdul Murad down in the street, bound his hands with clothesline, and hailed a taxi to get him back to the station. Police were tipped off to his presence after he managed to light his apartment on fire.

1. A cell plotting a car-bombing in Southeast Asia were foiled when an issue arose with the guy they’d spent months recruiting and training to drive their car-bomb.  When he got into the vehicle the morning of the attack he explained there was a problem: he didn’t know how to drive stick.

Political Terrorism is a gyre that’s only set into motion when fear and panic cause the target to overreact with disproportionate violence, which draws sympathizers into the terrorist fold and creates justification for further attacks. If we don’t lose our shit – the terrorists lose.

(help launch the Kickstarter!)

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Category: domestic terror, terrorism | Tags: , , 11 comments »

11 Responses to “top 10 reasons you shouldn’t be afraid of al-Qaeda”

  1. Andrew

    When you live in a free country…I.E. The United States, these terrorist attacks are what we must face. We created one of the most liberal countries on the face of the earth. Look what surrounds us, and was behind us. Communism, Islam, Christianity. These are some pretty conservative groups, that do not like freedom of choice. We are going against the grain of history, yet it looks we still haven’t learned enough.

  2. dubjah

    I hate it when bombs “denote” at the wrong time.

    TtD: stupid sexy syntax, thanks for the edit!!

  3. Jake the Dog

    Shut the fuck up, Andrew.

  4. freedom2012

    Terrorists don’t attack us because we are free. They attack us because we are in their countries creating mischief and war. I’m glad the some of the citizens above fought back (#2 and #10). Hats off to the grandma and the Scottish cab driver. I have to agree with Andrew that we are liberal (and used to be much more conservative). Yes, we have not learned enough. We’re willing to give up our freedoms so government can protect us (Patriot Act). We want to continue our wars in the middle east. We’ve become dependent from cradle to grave. The system is sick.

  5. Matt

    Nicely done. I’d also love to see the top 10 reasons not to be afraid of our government’s “too big to fail” and “pass this bill… or else!” propaganda.

  6. Mike

    Andrew: Define “free country”. here’s a hint- Warrantless wiretapping, extraordinary rendition, drug prohibition to name a FEW things about america that makes us not by any stretch of imagination a “free country”.

    I agree that we need to look ahead and stop focusing on inconsequential wedge issues like abortion, but to say we’re a “free country” is at best a stretch.

  7. Manuel

    @Andrew . To come out and say that terrorism is a price we pay for freedom is such an idiotic statement to make. It takes one loony with a gun and arms to create terror and panic, nothing more, it happened in Norway not too long ago, it happens in dictatorships on a daily basis, there are terror attacks in Iran which is pretty much an Islamist police state. You can have as much freedom or as much restrictions as possible, these things have happened since the dawn of time, it’s just now that we’ve started labelling “mass murder” as “terrorism”, same crime and it has the same effect on the population.

  8. Mike

    @Andrew

    The terrorists that you are thinking of don’t give a shit about our freedom of choice. Read your history. We’ve been both directly and indirectly involved in conflict in the Middle East for over 50 years, whether it be supporting dictators with arms and cash for our gain alone or starting 2 wars.

    I love my country, but every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you act like an asshole, eventually someone will bite.

  9. Steve

    I hate to burst your bubble there Andrew but as outsiders looking in I think the rest of the western world sees America as one of the more conservative, religiously dominated democratic countries. The divide between your two political parties is pretty shocking and your conservative party seems hugely intense in comparison to Europe and the Commonwealth countries.

  10. Ares

    The guys name was Smeato. He’s not a cabbie, he was a baggage handler.
    He later developed depression as he, in his words, ran through what could have happened. He acted on instinct. He also did a flying kick at the guy. He uttered the immortal words as a message to would be terrorists: ‘Come to Glasgow, we’ll set aboot yi’, on live TV. There’s also a fan site, the mans a legend in Scotland.

    TtD: The photo I linked to described him as a cabby so I didn’t want to confuse people, hopefully he doesn’t mind.

  11. Patrick Hughes Now

    [...] business model or politics, sooner or later you find yourself in a position where you can choose to look back, or look ahead. I still look back though, constantly. Don’t get me wrong. Most of us do. [...]


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